I guess such a move is long overdue for a 25 year old, but not too long ago, families would stay together indefinitely even after sons and daughters got married, maybe they lived a house or two apart but never disconnected like families of our time can be. But as I realized over the weekend, even though I'm moving away/out, I'm not leaving them behind; in fact, I probably will need them now more than ever as I try to make it on my own from this point forward.
I wish I could say I was completely happy with the move, but I am also feeling sadness and regret; regret over not being a better person over the last five years, at least the person I thought I could be, and sadness over the time I spent in search of myself, only to find out that what I knew about myself was true all along to begin with. I don't know what the next phase of my life will be like, I have hopes that I will be able to succeed in this new venture and finally be responsible for my life, future and well-being. I know that seems like a heavy task to embark on, but considering the loss time and waste I have partaken over the last five years, time that I don't regret spending as such only because I needed to do that for my own sake, to see if I was willing to be that person I was for those five years. I am glad to find out that I couldn't be that way forever, it was too narrow, dark, angry and apathetic. I thought I could go thru this world alone, so as to avoid any further pain or suffering at the hands of others, but I found out that without others, I will also be free of joy, happiness, or love.
I've been living as a vagrant for the last five years, coming and going as I please, never being true to one place or person; all the way, attempting to destroy the person I didn't want to be, the good natured, caring, sensitive, who loves his family and friends without waver, and who is willing to do anything for anyone of them, even if they don't feel the same way. Its the only way I know how to be and be happy with myself and this life, whether or not it leads to any success in terms of career or life. If I can live a modest life but have been so meaningful to the lives of others, I would be truly happy at my death, young or old, because I went out being the person I wanted to be and satisfying my nature to be positive influence on this planet.
